[OLD-TIMEY SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Students go to class. Some of them.
The scene cuts to the cramped math classroom, where students enter gradually. Indu and Irwin stand next to a large whiteboard.
Indu: What should the IB word of the day be?
Irwin: Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften.
Indu: What??
Irwin: Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften. It means “insurance companies who provide legal protection.”
Indu: Yes, I know that (rolls eyes). I didn’t expect you to.
Indu, monologue: He was an insufferable know-it-all. But Irwin and I had still become fast friends in the early weeks of the school year. Or at least that’s what he thinks. Me? I just scored myself a free math tutor.
Irwin: I can still hear you.
Indu writes the word on the whiteboard, while Mr. Schafer enters silently.
Indu: Rekt-shucks-Versace-rung-shell-shaft. I like that.
Mr. Schafer: What did you just say? We speak German in Austria, but that sounded like a Slavic language. Or Austroasiatic. Or Tupian. Or anything except a nice, respectable Germanic language.
Indu: Rekt-
Mr. Schafer: Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften?
Indu: Ugh, yes.
Irwin: It’s not that hard to pronounce.
Indu: Then you do it, if you’re so talented.
Irwin: [makes sound like a cat choking up a furball]
Mr. Schafer: You all are so useless.
Halloween was fast-approaching, and North Mellinger was preparing in the only way it knew how to: by doing absolutely nothing. Despite this, the students were in the mood for pumpkin pie. Mr. Schafer, meanwhile, intends to teach pre-calculus.
Irwin: I need some pie.
Indu: I know, right?
Mr. Schafer: I’ll buy you both pie if you can recite the first fifty digits of pi and then just shut up.
Irwin: Okay! 3.14159265359…
Indu, monologue: Irwin had a tendency to take things too far. Like now. See how he’s still reciting those digits in the cinematically blurred background of this shot? Anyways, let’s get back to the captivating footage.
Irwin: …97169399375. Done!
Mr. Schafer: That was only 49 digits. Now will you please let me continue the lesson?
Irwin: There’s no way!
Irwin begins counting the digits of pi that he recited, as Mr. Schafer continues.
Mr. Schafer: Okay, now it’s that time of year for me to finally introduce my favorite project.
Indu: Oh no. This is when you take your bags and run.
Mr. Schafer: It's called the Turkey Project. Here’s the rubric, y'all can read.
Mr. Schafer passes out a paper to each student.
Irwin: What are these criteria? Colorful breast feathers depicting the unit circle?
Rekha: Feathers with all the information from all of trigonometry?
Indu, laughing: Y’all haven’t even read the line where it says the turkey must be alive.
Irwin nods as if unsurprised. Rekha’s face goes pale.
Rekha: I can’t do this, I’m terrified of flightless birds.
Indu: Flightless? What about the rest of them?
Rekha: Have you ever seen Big Bird? Literally Schafer.
Irwin: She has a point.
Rekha: I am a woman of science, and science includes biology—
Irwin: Barely.
Rekha: And according to biology, evolution is real—
Mr. Schafer: Evolution is fake, it’s all a conspiracy.
Rekha: Birds have wings, why? To fly. What can flightless birds not do?
Indu: Fly?
Rekha: So why the wings?
Mr. Schafer: Are you done with your nonsense? Your project is due in a month.
Irwin: A month?? I haven’t seen a real-life turkey in years!
Indu: Wasn’t a turkey spotted at North a few years back?
Irwin: No, that was probably just Schafer.
Rekha: I haven’t seen one in seven months, thirteen days, four hours, and fifty-seven minutes.
Indu: That is… incredibly specific.
Rekha: You would remember if a monstrous, flightless beast made an ungodly sound in your direction.
Mr. Schafer: Gobble gooble!
Rekha takes her bags and runs.
Indu: You know, I’m starting to think she’s the smartest one here.
Mr. Schafer: You’re all disappointments until you BRING ME A TURKEY!
The episode cuts to an open field, where tall grasses shimmer in the wind. “America the Beautiful” starts playing.
The camera pans up to a drone view of the field. Suddenly, something disrupts the wheat fields with a loud crash.
Indu: Get it!!!
A high-speed chase ensues; one entity is a blur through the golden grasses. The others, a group of five exhausted teenagers, persist anyways.
Griffin, calling out: Indu, we’ve been chasing this thing for so long! Shouldn’t we give up already?
Indu: It’s been forty-eight seconds, and you’re already ready to disappoint Mr. Schafer? Never. Keep running!
Aurora: I should have stayed behind with Rekha.
The group emerges from the abyss. In an open clearing, they stand in a superhero-like formation. “Eye of the Tiger” plays from Indu’s phone, the source of the earlier music. Rekha is inexplicably present in this clearing.
Indu: Rekha, how are you here?
Rekha: Oh, I just ran around the field.
Aurora: You ran around it? I was considering turning around in the middle.
The camera cuts between zoomed-in shots of each character’s face. As the close-ups progress, the characters’ faces become more and more concerned as a look of realization dawns upon them.
Irwin: Rekha, you haven’t seen a turkey, have you?
Rekha: No! Need I remind you? Flightless bird, Irwin, flightless bird!
Indu, carefully: Rekha, don’t move.
Zayn and Griffin lunge towards her simultaneously. Rekha jumps up, and realizes she’s sitting on the turkey. She screams as the others jump at the turkey, which evades their grasp and jumps into her arms. She screams. The turkey screams. Everyone screams.
Rekha: Get this thing away from me!
Rekha throws the turkey in Indu’s direction. Indu catches it, a victorious glint in her eyes.
Indu: Ha! I win, losers. Good luck finding your turkeys.
Irwin: You thought I came unprepared for this?
Irwin removes a bag of dried corn from a satchel bag. Indu’s face belies surprise.
Irwin: Here, turkey turkey. Come to mamá.
The turkey kicks itself out of Indu’s arms and trots up to Irwin.
Indu: You had those the whole time and you’re just now getting them out? Where was the delicious corn when we were running through that giant field?
Irwin: I had to keep it safe for a moment like this. This way, I don’t have to buy a frozen turkey from the store like I was planning to. Thanks, Indu! See y’all on Monday.
Indu fumes as the episode cuts back to the classroom.
Everyone has gathered inside Schafer’s small classroom, wrangling their turkeys and waiting for Schafer to enter so a winning turkey can be chosen.
Mr. Schafer: Class, meet your judges! First, we have my daughters, Ivanka and Adele…
Ivanka: *waves*
Adele: Good morning, competitors.
Indu: It was like staring at a shorter, blonder, and much more feminine Schafer.
Mr. Schafer: Mr. Booker…
Mr. Booker: Schafer, you said there was going to be pie. I guess pie is only good for dividing things by.
Mr. Paschen: He also said we were going to be done by 8:30 but right now it’s almost *checks watch* 8:47.
Mr. Schafer: Or as I like to say, 7:107! And yes, Mr. Paschen is here as well! While you’re waiting, Mr. Paschen, why don’t you ponder the idea that time is socially constructed? (Paschen breaks.) Now, for our final and most esteemed guest, please welcome…
Irwin: Is it Gordon Ramsay? Please, please, please let it be Gordon Ramsay.
Mr. Schafer: All the way from Austria…
Indu: Twenty bucks says it’s gonna be a von Trapp.
Mr. Schafer: …my grandmother!
Zayn: Oh, shiitake mushrooms. *laughs* We’re so scr—
Irwin: Indu, you owe me $20.
Grandma Schafer, an ancient, stooped old woman hobbles to the center of the room. She takes a deep breath, and…
Grandma Schafer: Let the feast… BEGIN!
The scene cuts to the very end, where two final turkeys remain. Schafer’s daughters have joined the eliminated students in eating pie. So has Mr. Booker. It appears that Mr. Paschen has, out of boredom, invented a new paradox to teach his students about. Schafer and his grandmother scrutinize the birds before making their choice.
Mr. Schafer: Well, what do we think?
Grandma Schafer: This one. Strong, healthy, colorful, and with neat handwriting.
Irwin: In. Your. FACE.
Indu: Hey hey HEY. That was my turkey before you bribed it with corn!
Irwin: All’s fair in love and turkey bribing, Indu.
Indu: You never would have caught it if I hadn’t thought of the sleeping pill raisins!
Irwin: You got that from a book and you know it!
Indu: You were about to buy a frozen turkey from the store, Irwin! From the store!
Irwin, gesturing angrily to the rubric: It’s not against any rules!
Mr. Schafer: I’m going to quote Indu and say ‘you haven’t even read the line where it says the turkey must be alive.’
The winning turkey has become clearly agitated, puffing and preening his feathers. A storm is brewing. Then, without warning, it leaps towards Grandma Schafer as the teachers struggle to contain it. Rekha has fainted.
Grandma Schafer: A spitfire! We made the right choice! This one will be exceptionally tasty, won’t it, Arnold?
Aurora: I’m sorry, tasty?
Mr. Schafer: Did I not tell you all? The winning turkey will be prepared for Thanksgiving dinner at my house, and the winner is cordially invited to join!
Indu, patting Irwin on the back: Have fun, dude.
Irwin: You know, Indu, I was wrong. This turkey? It’s rightfully yours, and I was a fool to try and argue otherwise.
Indu: No, no, you were right. All’s fair in love and turkey poaching.
Irwin: Bribing. And please, I insist.
Mr. Schafer: Hold on. Are you trying to get out of going to dinner?
Irwin: Absolutely not!
Everyone else: Uh, yeah.
Mr. Schafer: Well, since you’re all so enthusiastic about this, I’ve decided to extend this mandatory invitation to everyone. I’ll see you in a week!
Indu: I’m afraid you won’t. Are you familiar with the Geneva Conventions?
Mr. Schafer: Well of course. I was there when they were signed.
Irwin: In 1949?
Mr. Schafer: Yes, of course.
Indu: Well, according to Articles 33 and 87—
Irwin: —Collective punishment is a war crime! And if you’re considering this punishment, and you’re doling it out to everyone, then that makes you guilty of committing a war crime.
Mr. Schafer: Tell me something I don’t know.
Grandma Schafer: I eat war crimes for breakfast.
Mr. Schafer, affectionately: I learned it all from you, Grandma.
The class returns after Thanksgiving, having witnessed the atrocities of a Schafer family dinner.
Indu: That was crazy, how he just ate the green bean like that.
Irwin: That was nothing. You saw how that cousin ate their mashed potatoes, right?
Zayn: It was their fault for making it so it could even be consumed with a straw. I mean, come on.
Griffin: Nothing compares to how the dog absolutely devoured that sweet potato casserole. Since when do dogs like marshmallows?
Aurora: I thought it was sweet, they were all so close-knit. I wish I had something a little like that.
Everyone chimes in, nodding and murmuring in agreement.
Rekha: You know what guys? Shame on you. Shame on you for thinking that we don’t. Look around. Is this not the same thing? Zayn, you’re our effortlessly cool cousin. Aurora, you’re the sweetheart, the glue that keeps us together. Griffin, you’re probably the most normal one out of all of us, which is really saying something. Indu, you’re the aunt who only visits on holidays, but only because she’s so busy travelling and collecting cool stories to tell when you get back. Irwin, you’re like the child prodigy, but less, you know, prodigious.
Irwin: Wow, thanks.
Rekha: All together, we’re a family. We’ve got everything they have, maybe even better. And to think that we needed a turkey (shudders) to figure that out. So, happy Thanksgiving.
Indu: Gobble gooble.
Rekha screams, taking her bag and running away. The lights go down on the scene.