We open on North Mellenger’s campus as the sun rises on the first day of class.
[OLD-TIMEY SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Students go to class. Some of them.
Scene cuts to a cramped math classroom where an unhinged Austrian man with long curly hair and a scruffy beard addresses the class.
Mr. Schafer: Good morning children!
[ANNOUNCEMENTS COME ON, DEAN MALLARD SPEAKING]
“Good morning North Mellenger! Please pause for a moment of silence. Welcome back to another great year. I’m speaking to you through my megaphone, which is hefty. First off, Mr. Baker, please come to the front office. Someone broke into your car. Mr. Baker to the front office. This year, we Leifs are all going to be True NORTH. That stands for Nice, Obliging, Respectful, Tolerant, and Helpful. I don’t wanna be seeing any students loitering around. Go to class. And remember, a tardy a day keeps graduation away. Have a great day Leifs!”
Indu walks in and takes a seat next to Rekha.
Mr. Schafer: Ah! A late student! Welcome, welcome. Do you have a chromebook yet?
Indu: No, sorry.
Mr. Schafer: No problem! Rekha, would you please show her the summer assignment?
Indu *monologue*: The man was tall, like a beanstalk, around 6’5”, but he slouched, so 6’3”. His name, I recognized it as German for shepherd, but his accent… I couldn’t place it… He wore wiry copper glasses too, thin and wiry, like a copper wire.
Irwin *interrupting her monologue*: You know that’s the teacher, right? Not some criminal from a 1950s gangster movie.
Indu: Really, Sherlock? Cause I had no idea. *goes to monologue* The kid next to me was pretentious to say the least. A smart-aleck who probably used big words to compensate for something, if you know wh–
Irwin: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Is that dirty humor? *stares into camera* Are we even allowed to say that?
Indu *monologue*: He was also a prude.
Irwin: Why do you say you’re monologuing when you’re just talking out loud?
Indu: You like Mark Twain?
Irwin: Samuel Clements? Yes, I do, actually. One of the first books I read was Huck–
Indu: Yeah that’s nice. What’s your favorite quote?
Irwin: He once said, quite nicely if I do say so myself, “With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.”
Indu: I prefer “Never miss an opportunity to shut up.”
Irwin: Really? I’ve never heard that one.
Indu: It shows.
Mr. Schafer: Okay, you two, knock it off. Class, welcome to Math Perceptions and Comprehensions! Today we will be learning about sets…
[CUT TO THE SQUARE]
Superintendent Everett Wilson walks through the Square in a tailored suit as students transition between classes.
Shouting erupts and students suddenly rush to the center of the Square, pulling out their phones to record after someone surely spotted a baby lizard.
Mr. Gatherer jumps out of a window. The superintendent is ushered away from the scene.
Nearby, students excitedly chatter away, even after the situation has been resolved and the lizard saved.
Extra #1 (to be played by a 31-year-old): Yooo dude, did you catch that totally tubular little lizard?
Extra #2 (to be played by a balding 37-year-old): Fo shizzle, dawg. I even got a vid on my phone, check it.
Security rushes to the scene. The baby lizard is scooped up and carried away. All is well.
[CUT TO LUNCH]
Indu enters and plops down at the table.
Indu: (Annoyed) Why didn’t the cafetorium have cheese sticks today?
Irwin: (Rolls his eyes) Did you really expect North to do something successfully?
Dean Mallard jumps up from behind Indu.
Dean Mallard: How dare you! North is the most nice, obliging, respectful, tolerant, and helpful school you will ever come into contact with-
Someone throws a garlic knot at Dean Mallard.
Dean Mallard: Who- who did that???!!! (Pulls out his megaphone) Tell me right now or I will use all 93 security cameras we have on campus to track you dowwwwn!
There is silence in the cafetorium.
Dean Mallard: That’s what I thought…
Someone throws another garlic knot.
The cafetorium descends into chaos as the lights go down on the scene.
The views expressed within this piece are solely the author's and do not necessarily reflect the values and positions of North Mecklenburg High School.